The Man Trap: Kirk's POV
by Polaris-Polus
Summary: Kirk's thoughts and feelings for a certain member of his crew during the events of 'The Man Trap'


**Captain's log- Stardate 1513.1**  
**Our position- orbiting the planet M-113. On board the Enterprise, Mr. Spock, temporarily in command. On the planet, the ruins of an ancient and long-dead civilization. Ship surgeon McCoy and myself are now beaming down to the planet surface. Our mission, routine medical examination of archeologist Robert Crater and his wife, Nancy Crater. Routine but for the fact that Nancy is that one woman in Dr. McCoy's past.**

Kirk sighed and clicked off the recorder. He was not looking forward to this. Bones had been mooning for the last three days over the thought of seeing his old girlfriend again. Watching the Doctor smile dreamily and listening to his romantic recollections while trying to hide his true feelings for the man was becoming quite a pain in the ass.

Not that he wasn't very, very good at hiding both his feelings and his inclinations. After all, he'd been doing it most of his life. No one in Starfleet knew that Jim Kirk was bisexual. He'd wanted to be a starship captain from the time he was three years old and starship captains simply weren't supposed to swing both ways.

After the fanatical repression of any form of homosexuality during the Atomic Horror years, it had taken a long time for same sex unions to once again become not only legal but acceptable. It was just within the last fifty years that homosexuality and bisexuality had finally returned to the level of openness that they'd had in the early twenty-first century, but of course that acceptability factor was for civilians and lower ranked Starfleet personnel. Starship captains were still expected to be the epitome of manliness, even the female ones.

Had he been completely gay, Kirk might have found that a real problem. He liked sex, liked it a lot. Had he preferred men exclusively, it would have been sheer torment, but fortunately, women were equally appealing to him. Over the years he'd managed to rack up quite the reputation as a lady-killer while shoving his desire for men down into a deep, dark place in his heart. He actually thought he might be able to continue that way indefinitely, but then old Doc Piper had developed health problems and Starfleet had replaced him with a younger, more modernly educated physician; Dr. Leonard McCoy.

Kirk remembered scanning his new ship's surgeon's personnel file and glancing at the holographic picture of the man, thinking that while he wasn't handsome in the classical sense, he had a certain attractiveness. Then he'd met him in person for the first time and his heart started doing warp maneuvers in his chest.

Dr. McCoy had brilliant sapphire eyes that could sparkle like sun-lit lakes when he was amused, or turn to blue phaser beams when pissed. He had a southern American accent that he tried very hard to keep hidden, but which would slip out when he'd had a couple saurian brandies and Kirk loved the sound of it; smooth and rich, like the scent of magnolias.

He found himself captivated by the man's unusual mix of countrified charm, fiery professional passion, and impish humor. Suddenly the loneliness of his life as a starship captain was thrust into his face like a great, blinking holo-sign.

All the women he'd bedded had provided a physical release, but none of them gave him the emotional fulfillment he needed, but Bones...well, he could If he were of a similar persuasion, that is.

Unfortunately, Kirk couldn't tell. The good Doctor had been very reluctant to talk about his past and up to the point that Nancy Crater's name had come into the picture, he'd never shown any sexual leanings, one way or the other. Now, however, he was practically walking on clouds and hearing chirping birdies while flower petals floated through the air and visions of his beloved Nancy danced ahead of him. It was sickening...

With another sigh Kirk got up from his desk, retrieved his phaser and holster belt, and went down to the transporter. Bones was already there, along with a young crewman named Darnell. The Doctor was lecturing him about specimen gathering, but his blue eyes were still dreamy and he was wearing a stupid smile.

They beamed down to the planet. It was very hot and the air was dry. Trying to maintain his front of good-natured humor, Kirk grabbed up a fist-full of straw-like weeds and presented them to the Doctor.  
"Shall we pick some flowers, Doctor? When a man visits an old girlfriend she usually expects something like that."

McCoy ignored the desiccated flora, and from his expression it was clear he sensed the mocking intent of the Captain's humor.  
"Is that how you get the girls to like you? By bribing them?"

Kirk chuckled but deep down he wanted to say,  
-And would I have to bribe you to like me?-

They wandered into the temple building where they were scheduled to meet Robert Crater. No one appeared to be around and Kirk took the opportunity to try and undo the damage he'd done with the weeds.

"Nervous Dr. McCoy?" He asked, handing him the tricorder.

While his ears heard the other man's reply, his brain was more intent on watching his actions. Unlike Spock, whose supposedly non-existent emotions filtered through his charcoal eyes, Bones always expressed his feelings with his hands. This time he was actually wringing them.

"...for all I know she may have forgotten me completely," McCoy groaned.

Kirk smiled and patted him on the back while thinking,  
-No one who's ever gotten to know you could possibly forget you.-

But like his silent comment on bribing the Doctor to like him, he kept the words locked inside himself.

The Physician continued nervously pacing and verbally fretting.

Then she arrived, humming a tune and apparently unaware that they were in the chamber. McCoy and Darnell instantly turned their eyes to her, but Kirk was watching the Doctor's face. He would have given just about anything to have that expression of love turned toward him, but it wasn't. That radiant glow was aimed solely at Nancy Crater.

Reluctantly, Kirk turned to look at the woman as McCoy flustered his way through introductions. She was a handsome lady, rapidly going gray and showing signs of years spent in the arid harshness of this alien world. Even if she hadn't been who she was, Kirk wouldn't have found her all that attractive, but McCoy certainly did and quite surprisingly, so did crewman Darnell. The young man blathered out that she reminded him of a whore he'd romped with on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet.

Kirk's eyebrow went up. So Darnell had a thing for much older ladies! Kinky in an oedipal sort of way, but McCoy was nothing short of incensed at the implication that his beloved Nancy in anyway resembled a Wrigley bang-tail. Kirk saw the man's temper getting ready to explode and he sent Darnell outside to begin his specimen gathering.

It was very hard to keep the smirk off his face at the image of Mrs. Crater as a matronly prostitute and Kirk decided he'd better go out with Darnell before he popped off and said something embarrassing, but to his discomfort, Nancy stopped him.  
"What? And let Plum examine me all alone?"

Plum? Oh for fuck-sake!

Still cringing at this sickening luv-pet name, Kirk genuinely feared he was going to be forced to watch these two continue to coo and nuggie, but McCoy finally seemed to realize that he was being flirted with by a married woman and he made the brilliant suggestion that they wait for her husband.

Still simpering, Nancy left the temple and went to fetch her spouse. Kirk was very annoyed to see the outline of an erection through McCoy's fatigue pants. He hoped the Doctor could get that under control before Professor Crater arrived to see him sporting an intergalactic chubby.

Bones suddenly seemed to become aware that he was showing physical signs of his arousal and turned quickly away. The two men began to examine some of the archeological specimens while making inane small talk that in no way touched on the subject of Nancy.

After a few moments Professor Crater arrived. He was almost a complete negative image of his sultry, flirtatious wife. Kirk had met a lot of assholes in his time, but this guy made a Klingon with hemorrhoids seem personable.

The unexpected nature of his attitude threw Kirk off for a moment. Most isolated colonists and researchers were ecstatic to be visited by someone other than the rare supply vessels and to have a chance to go aboard a Constitution class starship usually induced them to perform joy-joy dances, but not Crater.

The man's curt tongue and slatey eyes were as sharp as razor crystals. For a moment Kirk thought it might be because he was aware of his wife's past relationship with the Doctor, but that theory was exploded when the Professor realized who McCoy was and actually seemed glad!

His attitude did a one-eighty at warp six and suddenly the guy was chatty and acting like he was pleased Nancy had gotten to see her old flame. Kirk found himself a little embarrassed for his friend as Bones continued to futter on about how young and pretty Nancy looked. That remark about her not having any gray! C'mon Doc, pull your head out of your pants. The lady was more gray than not! Fortunately (and surprisingly) Crater came to the physician's defense, guessing that McCoy was seeing through luv-goggles.

Suddenly the uncomfortable interplay was shattered when Nancy screamed from somewhere beyond the temple. The next thing Kirk knew he was outside, looking down at crewman Darnell's body. Nancy was blubbering, and instead of rushing to Darnell's side, McCoy went to her!

What the hell was wrong with him!? A crewman lay unmoving and obviously unconscious, with horrible mottled rings covering his face, and McCoy was busy checking out a hysterical but clearly uninjured woman? Kirk actually had to call the Doctor's name to get him to come to Darnell's assistance.

A quick examination was all it took to confirm what Kirk dreaded; Darnell was dead.

The angry, defensive, and aggressive feeling that rose up in Kirk's chest was an unfortunately familiar one. He felt it every time he lost a member of his crew. He found himself getting even madder when Professor Crater sneeringly suggested that Darnell had done something so patently stupid as eat an unknown plant.

What sort of idiots did Crater think they were!

To imply that a Starfleet Academy graduate would do something most five-year-old children knew better than to do was absurd!

Nancy continued to sob out her story of Darnell eating the plant despite her attempt to stop him, and Kirk didn't believe one goddamned word of it. Then, as if her outright lie wasn't enough, that bitch had the tactlessness to ask for fucking salt like she was in a vadding grocery store!

They returned to the ship and carried Darnell's body to sickbay. When Spock had been informed of the circumstances of the young man's demise, he promptly began to research the Borgia plant and its known effects. Kirk wanted to tell his First Officer to save his efforts. Darnell didn't eat that plant, at least not willingly. Something else had happened.

Glowering, Kirk watched McCoy perform his pre-autopsy exam and was glad when the Doctor came to the same conclusion he had. The Borgia plant hadn't killed Darnell. He hoped the Physician would pull his head out of his ass and figure out what the fuck had happened, but the next thing he knew the man was blathering on about Nancy and how she looked!

For the first time in their relatively new friendship, Kirk lost his temper and yelled at the Doctor. At first he was too angry to think about the expression his words had brought out on McCoy's face, but as he stormed down the corridor, he recalled the hurt in Bone's blue eyes; hurt and the realization that Kirk was right, he was more concerned about Nancy than he was a dead man. He knew Bone's often crusty, high-tempered exterior hid a very delicate, sensitive heart, and he wished he hadn't had to jab at that softness, but damn it, he needed answers, not love-sick mooning!

Forcing his temper down, Kirk ascended to the bridge where he tended to the required data entries and forms that needed to be filled out whenever a crewmember died. When the ensign assigned to helping him through the regulation-filled data recording was finished, Spock confirmed that the Borgia plant was an unlikely suspect in Darnell's death. In ever efficient manner, the Vulcan also provided background on Professor Crater and his wife.

If only McCoy could have his shit so together, Kirk thought, but no sooner had that passed through his brain then the Doctor called him down to the sickbay with the tantalizing implication that his in-depth autopsy had found something revealing.

Kirk and Spock entered the med-lab and McCoy revealed the real cause of Darnell's death; salt depletion.

As shocking and mysterious as this was, Kirk noted how contrite and repentant the Doctor's manner was and he couldn't help it when he felt guilty for having yelled at him earlier. A kind smile found its way to his face.  
"Are you uh, in the mood for an apology?" he asked the older man.  
Bones smiled gently.  
"Oh, forget it. I probably was mooning over her. I should have been thinking about my job."

It took a real effort for Kirk not to say,  
-Yeah, you should have.-  
But he managed a kinder, "Perhaps you were..." before returning to the real heart of the matter.

Salt depletion had killed Darnell and both Nancy and her husband had gone out of their way to request just that mineral. Something hinkie was going on.

They beamed back down to the planet with two other crewmen; Sturgeon and Green.

Kirk watched Professor Crater intently as he confronted the man with the facts of Darnell's death. The man's arrogant, rude manner had returned, and he condescendingly provided a reason for his apparently coincidental need for salt. Kirk could tell by glancing at McCoy's face that the Doctor was actually buying the archeologist's explanation, but he wasn't.

This man was hiding something.

He decided to shake the situation up, and possibly force the man's hand, by ordering him and his wife to return to the Enterprise with them. That gillied Crater up all right. The man was furious, but his protests to prevent their removal from the planet were paper-thin.

That's when Kirk made a mistake.

He turned his back on the Professor and McCoy did the same. While he called Spock to arrange quarters for the Craters, the Professor skipped out a side passage in the temple and disappeared.

Suspicions fully and rightfully aroused, he and McCoy ran out into the ruins and began hunting for him. What they found sent another jolt of shock and dismay through Kirk. Crewman Sturgeon's body lay in the sand, his face covered with the same mottling as had appeared on Darnell.

Their shouts summoned Ensign Green, who claimed to have seen Sturgeon's corpse and to have been hunting for whatever it was that had killed him.

Completely unnerved and knowing something very dangerous was around, Kirk made the decision to return to the Enterprise and let the ship's sensors do a scan of the area before he risked any more of his crewmen's lives. He wasn't completely surprised when McCoy resisted leaving without knowing where Nancy was and if she was safe, but he lost his temper when the Doctor continued to protest and looked ready to run off into the ruins after his love.

"You could learn a lesson from Mr. Spock, Doctor. Stop thinking with your glands!"

They returned to the ship with the Physician looking ashamed and exhausted. Once again Kirk found himself unable to remain angry with the man.  
"You could use some sleep, Bones."  
"All right, Jim," the Doctor said sadly.

Kirk hurried to the bridge to start the scanner sweep of the planet surface. For an hour he and Spock studied the sensor read outs. Finally, an empty belly made him call down to the galley for a supper tray. He was most of the way through it when McCoy called up to the bridge. He knew what the man wanted and to keep from having to hear the desperate worry in his voice, Kirk answered his question before he'd even had the chance to ask it.

"Nothing to report, Doctor. We haven't located Mrs. Crater."

He saw the anxiety on McCoy's face through the viewer and he noted how tired the physician looked. His voice softened.  
"What's the matter? Can't you sleep?"  
"Nope."  
"Try taking one of those red pills you gave me last week," Kirk suggested gently. "You'll sleep."

Smiling at the concern he saw in the Captain's hazel eyes, McCoy nodded and clicked off the viewer.

The screen went dark, but the image of McCoy in his tight, black undershirt remained in Kirk's mind. He put another piece of synthetic tofu in his mouth and chewed, while thinking about how sexy the Doctor looked in black. It made his eyes stand out like two star sapphires. This was only the second time he'd seen Bones without either his uniform shirt or his medical smock and Kirk found himself wishing he could see him like that even more.

The week before, he had developed a headache and insomnia, thanks to a bunch of Starfleet targ-shit. Knowing he needed a good night's rest before a sub-space sector meeting, Kirk had called the Doctor. It was after hours and he could have walked down to sickbay, where Doctor Boma was on duty, but the idea of seeing McCoy was too tempting.

He called the Doctor's cabin and Bones invited him over for a quick consultation. When the McCoy had opened the door, he was wearing the black t-shirt and his fatigues, but he was shoeless. It was such an unexpected sight. Kirk remembered how he'd tried to stretch the visit out for as long as possible, so he could continue to drink in the sight of the Doctor's lithe form perfectly defined by the clingy shirt, but finally he had run out of small talk and it was getting very late. McCoy had given him a little red pill from a bottle on his shelf and he carried it back to his own cabin.

Taking the pill with a swig of water, Kirk had undressed and laid down on his bed. He kept thinking about the way the Doctor's nipples had showed through the fabric of the undershirt as two small bumps and the way the black fatigues hugged his compact hips. His bare feet somehow gave him a vulnerable and completely unpretentious air.

Smiling, Kirk had fantasized about stripping off the Doctor's shirt and kissing his hard little nipples before pushing him back on his bed and undressing him completely. He wanted to caress his slender feet before moving up to suck his cock. It had been years since he'd given another man head and the thought of doing so to McCoy made his own penis go from merely hard to out-right throbbing.

Feeling the first tendrils of the sleeping pill's effects, Kirk wrapped his hand around his engorged organ and began to masturbate. He thought about Bones' mouth on his and the Doctor's soft, warm hand on his cock, stroking him to climax before turning around to offer his small, tight ass. The idea of thrusting into the older man's body was too much and Kirk ejaculated across his stomach and chest. There was a growing leaden feeling and his last thought was that he should wipe the cum off, but before he could act on that thought, sleep took him.

Smiling at the memory, Kirk ate another bite of his supper before Spock turned from his station and announced that unless there was a mechanical problem with the Enterprise's equipment, the only person down on the planet was Professor Crater.

Kirk felt his mood turn grim. It was time to quit fucking around. Crater obviously had something to hide, so clearly he was the one who needed to be questioned, and not gently either.

Together he and Spock went to the transporter. The Vulcan would be much more reliable in such a dangerous situation than any other crewmember. He was fast, strong, smart, and well aware that they were dealing with an incredibly dangerous situation, both from Crater and whatever was killing able-bodied men like tribbles.

They beamed down and began to stalk the Professor through the maze of rocks and ruins.

Finally, they spotted the agitated man amid a jumble of stones. Crater claimed to be armed and his tactical position was superior to the two Starfleet officers. Kirk sent the Vulcan around behind Crater while he kept him distracted, but as he tensed and waited the coming assault, his communicator beeped. It was Sulu announcing the death of another crewmember, this time someone up on the ship.

Kirk felt his emotions ratchet up. Whatever the murderous thing was, it was now on his ship and killing more of his people!

Suddenly Spock cut in on the call and summoned him to a nearby section of the ruins. There lay Ensign Green. For a moment Kirk's mind couldn't understand how that could possibly be. Green had beamed up to the Enterprise with him and McCoy after Sturgeon was killed.

Even as he gave voice to this disturbing thought, Spock looked at him with his deep charcoal eyes and calmly said something that scared the hell out of him. He implied that whatever it was that was killing crewmen could quite possibly assume any shape it wanted.

Hoping to catch the thing still in Ensign Green's form, Kirk called up to the Enterprise, then he and Spock set out to capture Crater.

It wasn't easy.

The archeologist was armed with an old RT-style phaser, archaic but deadly, but with Spock's help, they soon had the man cornered. The Vulcan distracted him and Kirk nailed him with a stunner shot.

As they crouched beside him, Crater began telling a disjointed tale about a fantastic creature, capable of assuming any shape and surviving by sucking the salt from living beings. He said it was the last of its kind. His voice was pleading and desperate, but at that moment Kirk didn't give a shit. That thing was on his ship and murdering his people.

By the time he and Spock had gotten the still-groggy Professor back up to the Enterprise, full security measures had been put in effect. The ship was in virtual lockdown.

With Sulu manning the bridge, Kirk summoned his top officers to the briefing room where they discussed what sort of action to take. Crater was less than helpful. He seemed interested only in protesting the creature's status as the last remaining member of its race. Twice Kirk asked McCoy's input, but the Doctor seemed distracted and almost dazed. Kirk realized that the man was probably in shock that his beloved Nancy was not only long dead, but that a monster wearing her image had snuggled against him and called him Plum, a revolting thought to say the least.

Finally, it was agreed that the only way to force Professor Crater to help them would be to dose him with a strong truth serum. McCoy and Spock led the manacled archeologist down to the sickbay, while Kirk went up to the bridge to oversee the continuing search.

He was almost to the turbo-lift when the red alert sounded and he was summoned down to the med-lab. He found Spock, battered and weak. As soon as the Vulcan said that the creature had been masquerading as Dr. McCoy, Kirk felt his heart do a sickening lurch in his chest.

-Oh God!- He thought. -Don't let Bones be dead! Please! Not him!-

He was still in a daze when Yeoman Rand drew his attention to Professor Crater's corpse. It lay sprawled on the sickbay bed ward floor. Slowly dread was being replaced with cold hate. If that thing had killed McCoy, he would shove a phaser up its ass and shoot its brains out from the inside.

Drawing his weapon, Kirk left sickbay and strode to the Doctor's cabin. He went through the door with his hazel eyes as sharp as shards of fractured dilithium. The thing was on the bed with McCoy. It was again in the form of Nancy Crater. Bones was holding her- no, ITS hand.

"Move aside, Bones," he said in a deadly flat voice.  
"What's going on here, Jim?"  
"She's not Nancy, Bones."

He raised his phaser and McCoy stood up with his face going rigid.  
"Are you insane?"  
"It killed four crewmen, now Crater."  
"It?" Bones hissed, as if he could not believe Kirk was daring to call his beloved -it-, like some sort of animal.  
"The creature," Kirk answered, not taking his eyes off the thing in the woman's form, "it kills. It needs salt to live. Bones, move aside."

The Doctor saw death in his captain's eyes.  
"No!"

Kirk heard the desperation in his friend's voice. He had to find a way of convincing him of the creature's masquerade. He extended his left hand. In it were a dozen salt pills.

The thing responded, standing and gazing at the white mineral tablets with undisguised hunger, but McCoy was too lost in the dream of his Nancy to see that ravenous desire. Kirk taunted the creature, trying to get it to reveal its true nature, but McCoy kept getting in the way and finally he grabbed Kirk's phaser hand.

Instantly Kirk pulled his finger away from the trigger.

He didn't want to accidentally shoot the man he loved. They continued to wrestle for the weapon, as the Nancy-monster snatched the salt from his other hand. With a hard shove, Kirk pushed the older man away, but as McCoy reeled against the bulkhead, he ripped the phaser from Kirk's hand.

The Captain looked up and found himself paralyzed. Something had seized his brain, rendering his muscles unable to move. His thoughts labored slowly, like a man wading through thick sludge. The thing came at him with its hands raised menacingly.

-Oh Bones,- he thought. -Please do something.-

But the Doctor just stood and stared in horror. Suddenly Spock was in the room. Kirk heard him wrestling with McCoy, pleading with the Doctor to shoot the creature, but Bones could not separate the image of his beloved Nancy from the monster beneath.

The Vulcan turned from the stunned physician and interjected himself between his captain and the creature. Kirk could not will his muscles to move. He stared ahead in frozen horror as Spock began to deliver vicious double-fisted strikes to the salt-vampire in an effort to shock McCoy into seeing that it could not be his dear Nancy.

The creature withstood over half a dozen blows, any of which would have shattered a Human's face, but finally it reacted with a savage backhand that sent the powerful Vulcan flying across the cabin. Spock hit the far wall and collapsed to the floor.  
"Is that Nancy, Doctor?" he gasped weakly.

Cold dread filled Kirk as the creature returned its attention to him again. Slowly Nancy's Human form melted away and the monster was revealed in all its hideousness. McCoy gasped.

"No!"

It ignored him and placed its sucker-covered hands on Kirk's face.

Terrible pain seared through him as his muscles reacted to the sudden loss of sodium chloride by cramping into a body-wide Charlie horse. He heard himself scream, then suddenly there was the shriek of a phaser.

The creature staggered away and he fell forward across McCoy's desk. Through the cloud the vampire's thoughts had left in his brain and the continued pain in his muscles, Kirk heard Nancy's voice pleading. He struggled to sit up and raise his head.

"Leonard...Leonard, no," the thing begged.  
She/it staggered up.  
"Leonard, please..."  
"Lord forgive me," Bones whispered.

He squeezed the trigger. The phaser fired again and the thing collapsed, turning from woman to monster for the last time.

Kirk looked from the crumpled gray thing and saw the sheer horror in McCoy's eyes. He felt his pain and weakness recede as his heart tightened for the agony in the Doctor's eyes.  
"I'm sorry, Bones."

The older man's face remained pale and creased with dreadful dismay.

Within seconds security had arrived. The creature's body was placed in stasis to be taken back to the Starship base on Corinth IV. Kirk and Spock were assisted to sickbay, where McCoy tried to put on a mask of normalcy. He tended both men efficiently, but quietly.

Spock was released first, as he had nothing but bumps and bruises. Kirk had to remain a while longer, with a saline rich I.V. in his arm to replenish the sodium sucked from his body. He lay quietly in the bed ward, listening as McCoy sent the nurse and the orderlies out.

Slowly the Doctor peeked into the ward.  
"How you doing, Jim?"  
"I feel better," the Captain answered.  
The Doctor came to his bedside and looked sadly down at him.  
"I'm sorry, Jim."  
"It's all right."  
"I hesitated to shoot," the Physician growled. "I could have gotten you killed. How can you say it's all right?"  
"Because I know that if it had been you, I would have hesitated to shoot too."

McCoy flinched and turned his face away.  
"I suppose I deserve that."

Kirk suddenly realized that the physician had taken his words the wrong way. He reached out and took the Doctor's hand.

"No Bones, I meant if it had been your image that the creature took and I was the one faced with having to shoot you, someone I care about, I would have hesitated."

The Doctor tried to smile at this statement of caring from his friend but he shook his head at the same time.  
"That's different, Jim. Faced with killing a friend compared to killing someone you love..."  
"I do love you, Bones."  
"No, I mean love-love."  
"So do I."

McCoy blinked.  
"You...? Wh-what are you trying to say?"  
"Just what I said," Kirk replied quietly. "I love you, Bones."

"You can't be gay!" the Doctor protested, pulling his hand away. "I've seen you..."  
"I'm not gay, Bones. I'm bi, and the women I've been with were for fun, companionship, and physical enjoyment, but you...You're much more important."

McCoy shook his head in stunned disbelief.  
"I-I, um...I don't know what to say."

The note of extreme discomfort in the older man's voice almost made Kirk wince.  
"Say you don't hate me for it."  
"I don't, Jim, but I...Well, I uh, don't go that way."

A stab of hurt so deep and painful it was almost physical, made Kirk cringe.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I should never have said anything."  
"It's all right," the older man answered quickly, but his face was still flushed and he couldn't look the Captain in the eyes.

"Forget what I said," Kirk replied. "Let's just pretend it didn't happen."  
"Ok...yeah, I um, think that would be best. You just lie back and rest for another hour or so."

McCoy practically fled the bed ward and Kirk slammed his fist down into the mattress. His eyes burned with tears that wanted to form, but he shoved them down hard.

How could he have been so stupid?

He remembered what his father had said to him after he'd told him that he liked boys as much as girls.  
-"If that's how you are, Jimmy-boy, then I'm ok with it, but be careful who else you tell. Not everyone can accept people who aren't completely heterosexual. If you tell the wrong person, they might hate you and at the very least, they'll never look at you the same way again. You can't un-ring a bell, son."-

Kirk lay there staring up at the bed ward ceiling wishing to God he could un-ring that bell.

The Doctor returned in an hour and began to take out his I.V. McCoy tried to keep his voice even and professional, but Kirk saw how the older man's eyes refused to meet his.

"There you go, Jim," he said, putting a little round synthi-skin patch over the needle hole. "Now why don't you go back to your cabin and get some rest."  
"I'm fine, Doctor," the Captain replied, sitting up and putting his shirt back on. "I have to oversee the planetary departure."  
"I'll come up to the bridge with you," McCoy offered.  
"You don't have to do that."  
"Yeah, well, I just want to make sure you don't get woozy or something."  
"Fine," Kirk grunted.

They left the sickbay and walked up the hall to the main turbo-lift. When they entered the elevator, Kirk noted how the Doctor stood as far away from him as was possible in the confines of the small car. He felt another twinge of regret in his chest, knowing that if he were to reach out a hand and touch him, the older man would run away like a Klingon with his pants on fire.

The lift arrived at the bridge and he went to his command chair. McCoy stationed himself out of the way to the right, as Spock and the rest of the bridge crew prepped to break orbit and set a heading toward the base on Corinth IV.

As Spock finished double checking the coordinates at the nav-comp, he turned and looked at his captain. Immediately he noted how the man was sitting. Usually Kirk leaned back in the command chair, like a king on his throne, with his hands on the arms and his head high and proud. Now, however, the Captain was almost hunched and he was clasping his hands in an odd, uneasy way. His face was very grim and his normally warm, hazel eyes were deeply troubled.

Spock approached him.  
"Is something wrong, Captain?" he asked.

It took a real effort for Kirk to force a smile onto his face. Good old Spock, the Vulcan was always looking out for him, but how could the stoic, logical being ever understand what was really wrong?

"I was thinking about the buffalo, Mr. Spock."

It was a lie, but Spock bought it completely. Kirk was even a little touched when he saw the Vulcan try to smile. His mouth actually twitched.

Out of habit, Kirk glanced at McCoy to see if he had noticed the First Officer's attempt at some expression other than stony calm. The Doctor had seen it, but his response was a pained and still-embarrassed false smile that looked more like a wince. Kirk's heart hurt and he turned his eyes away.

"Warp One, Mr. Sulu."  
"Warp One," the helmsman replied. "Leaving orbit."

M-113 seemed to recede from them as the ship reversed away from it, before swinging around and taking a line toward the starship base. Kirk kept his eyes forward on the star field. Spock returned to his station and McCoy wordlessly went to the turbo-lift.

For a long time Kirk sat there silent and still, as the bridge crew worked around him. Even the normally clueless yeomen seemed to understand that he wanted to be left alone. No one bothered him, but finally the stress of the day was just too much.

"Spock, you have the con," he said, standing up. "I'll be in my cabin until next shift."  
"Yes, sir," the Vulcan replied with a nod.

Kirk went down to his room, glad that most of the ship was on rest period. The lights were dim and few people were moving about.

He entered his cabin and stood in the doorway for a moment. His eyes swept the small room and a feeling of deep gloom settled over him. The same empty cabin, the same empty bed, and he was the same empty Jim Kirk.

Setting the autodoor to manual only, he undressed and showered, somehow managing not to look at himself in either the head mirror or the one over his dresser. Wrapped in his robe, he laid down on the bed, atop the sparkly red cover. He was tired, inside and out, but he knew sleep would not come easily, if at all. There was nothing but silence and regret.

Suddenly the door buzzer sounded.

Kirk heaved a sigh.  
-Fuck.-

He sat up and looked at the door, sincerely hoping it wouldn't be Yeoman Rand. That woman was tireless in her attempts to barge into his cabin for the least little reason.  
-Here's lunch, Captain.-  
-I brought some fresh linens, Captain.-  
-Just popping in to check how much toilet paper you have, Captain.-

Trying to put a calm expression on his face, Kirk called out,  
"Enter."

The doors whooshed open and McCoy stepped in.  
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to wake you up."  
"I wasn't asleep. What can I do for you, Doctor?

His voice was cool and professional and McCoy's face flushed.  
"I, um, wanted to talk to you about, uh, what you said about you and me."  
"I thought we had decided that never happened," Kirk replied stiffly.

"Jim, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. It was just a big shock. I had no idea you were bisexual."  
"No one else on this ship knows," the Captain said. "I'm sure that doctor-patient confidentiality will keep it that way."  
"Your secret is safe with me, Jim."  
"Thank you, Doctor. Now was there anything else?"

He was still rigid and defensive, not wanting to be hurt again and McCoy took a step toward him.

"Yeah, there is something else. Now that I've had a little bit to think about it, I...well, that is, I thought maybe we could...I dunno, try it and maybe see how it works."

He raised his blue eyes from the floor and looked at the Captain. Kirk was still trying to decide if he'd actually heard right.  
"You mean...?"

McCoy swallowed hard.  
"Jim, I've never had a, you know, a relationship with another man...Hell, I haven't had all that many with women...Nancy, she was...she was the only one I ever really loved. When she left me, I pretty much gave up on love."

Slowly, Kirk stood and came to stand before the older man. He reached out and placed his hand very gently on the Physician's arm.  
"I am so sorry that you had to lose her twice, Bones."

McCoy smiled sadly.  
"I guess I just want you to understand that this is a big step for me.  
"You can set the pace, Bones."

The Doctor fidgeted nervously.  
"So um, if I was to uh, kiss you, would that be the right thing to do?"

Kirk smiled at the sweetly naive man.  
"That'd be a pretty good start."

McCoy took a deep breath and stepped very close to the Captain. He hesitatingly put his arms around him and tilted his head forward. Kirk leaned into the embrace and let his mouth touch the Doctor's trembling lips. He was very careful to keep the kiss gentle and shallow. He didn't want to overwhelm the older man by gripping his head and plundering his mouth with hungry tongue thrusts.

Their lips rubbed and caressed and nibbled until Kirk felt the Physician beginning to relax, only then did he let his tongue seek entrance to the other man's mouth. McCoy's lips parted and he accepted the deeper probing. They were clasping each other closer now, each getting used to the feel of the other's body, but finally, the Doctor pulled his head back. He made a funny little sound and Kirk frowned.

"What?"  
"I just can't believe I'm kissing you."  
"You don't like it?"  
"No, I like it a whole lot more than I thought I would."  
"You want to do it some more?"  
"Oh yeah."

The kissing resumed, and encouraged by the husky heat in the Physician's voice, Kirk dared to run his hand up McCoy's chest. He wanted to take off the man's heavy blue uniform shirt and see him in that tight black undershirt, but he didn't want to push him too hard. His fingers worked into the fabric of the uniform and squeezed his pectoral.

"It's getting hot in here," McCoy murmured into his still kissing mouth.  
"Take your shirt off," Kirk urged, hoping he didn't sound too greedy.

The Doctor eased back enough to pull the blue uniform shirt off over his head. Kirk gave in and let his eyes devour the sight of the older man's muscles so nicely defined beneath the black tee.

"Oh God, Bones," he whispered. "You are so sexy."  
"I am?"  
"You have no idea."  
"I guess not."

Kirk returned his hand to the Doctor's chest, this time able to feel the hard nubs of his nipples under the thinner cloth of the tee. He stroked them with his thumbs and began to nuzzle the older man's neck. Bones made a pleasurable sigh as he sucked gently on the tender flesh below his jaw.

"Why don't we move over to the bed?" Kirk suggested into that warm, soft skin.  
McCoy tensed up.  
"Jim, I..."  
"Don't be afraid, Bones. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

The Doctor let himself be maneuvered back to the sleeping alcove. They sat on the bed and Kirk returned to kissing the other man's mouth. The shoulder of his bathrobe had slid down and McCoy reached up to touch his bare flesh. His hands were so warm and soft, the hands of a healer.

McCoy's fingers brushed his nipple and a jolt of pure, electric pleasure flashed through Kirk's body. He was shocked when the Physician leaned his head down and kissed his jutting teat. He gasped and pushed McCoy's face harder against it. Bones sucked and Kirk's cock jolted into an intense erection.

"Is this ok?" The Doctor asked, with his breath feathering coolly over the Captain's saliva-slick nipple.  
"Oh God, yes." Kirk sighed. "More. Please, more."

He laid back on the bed, pulling McCoy with him, so that the older man was slightly atop him. The Doctor pulled his robe open enough to bare his left teat too and began to kiss and suck both of them until Kirk thought he was going to go mad.

"Bones, let me do this to you," he begged.

McCoy sat up and nodded. He pulled the black tee off, revealing his lightly haired chest. Kirk laid him back on the mattress and moved so that he was completely on top of him.

The Doctor gasped as he felt the Captain's erection rub hard against his.  
"Ah, Jim..."

Kirk felt a shiver run down his spine at the almost desperate note to the older man's voice. He let his tongue slide out and swirl around the Doctor's right nipple. The teat went hard and he sucked it, pulling a moan out of McCoy's lush mouth.

After a little experimentation with kissing, licking, and biting, Kirk discovered that Bones favored his left teat over his right one and he liked it firmly tugged. Every time he closed his straight white teeth over that little knob of flesh and pulled, the Doctor's hips would arch up against his, so that their cocks ground together in incredibly pleasurable fashion.

He raised his head from the older man's chest.  
"I want to give you head, Bones."  
"You want to...to..."  
"Suck your cock," Kirk finished bluntly.

McCoy's face was already flushed, but somehow it managed to grow a shade redder under the sheen of perspiration.  
"I, uh...I don't know..."  
"You want to cum, Bones. I can feel it. Let me relieve you."

He didn't wait for the older man to answer, he simply scooted down and undid the front of the Doctor's fatigues. McCoy's penis was straining hard against the confines of his underwear.

Kirk freed it and smiled. It was every bit as handsome as he had imagined, a solid eight inches, slim and perfectly formed. He softened his tongue and let it caress the exquisitely sensitive spot on the underside of his flared glans. McCoy made a hard gasp.

"Oh jeezus Jim!"  
-Well,- Kirk thought, -If you like that, you're gonna love this.-

He wrapped his mouth all the way around the older man's cock. McCoy cried out. He couldn't manage actual words, just a funny sound of raw pleasure. Kirk sucked his penis while gently rolling his balls in their delicate sack and the Doctor clutched at the bed covers, thrusting his hips up into his Captain's hot, wet mouth. He could taste the salty weep of McCoy's pre-cum and he knew it wouldn't take the man long to climax, but the Physician tried to stop him before it happened.

"Jim...uhn! J-jim, you'd ah, better stop."  
"Stop?" Kirk said, glancing up. "Why?"

He lowered his mouth back over the Doctor's straining penis, wrenching another cry of pleasure out of him.

"I...oh God...I don't want to-to eja-ejaculate i-in y-your..."  
Kirk pulled back again.  
"My mouth? Why not?"  
"Well...well..."

Kirk chuckled and went back to sucking him with a vengeance. McCoy writhed and almost sobbed.

"Jim, OH! OH!"

He ejaculated and Kirk swallowed the strong spurts of semen. McCoy was tearing at the blankets and his back was arched. Kirk worked him hard, but finally he had pity when the man whimpered and gasped as if in pain. Smiling, he released the Doctor's tortured organ and moved up beside him on the bed.

Bones was staring up at the ceiling and panting.  
"You ok?" he asked the older man.  
"I've never cum that hard," McCoy replied in a moan-husked voice.  
Kirk laughed.  
"I'm flattered."

He nestled against the Doctor's side and kissed his ear. McCoy looked at him.  
"I want to please you too, Jim but I...Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to..."  
"You don't have to suck me, Bones. We'll work up to that in time."  
"But I want you to cum too."  
"I'd certainly like to," Kirk answered. "Why don't we start with something simple. Just touch me with your hand. I'm so hard it shouldn't take more than that to get me into warp."

He took McCoy's wrist and guided the Doctor's fingers into the folds of his robe and onto the burning length of his penis.

"God, Jim, you're so thick."  
"Oh, c'mon Bones, don't sound so surprised. You've seen me naked."  
"Yeah, but never naked and hard."

He began to stroke Kirk's cock and the Captain let his head flop back onto the bed.

"Ah, yeah...jerk me off, Bones...Jerk me hard."

McCoy leaned up on one elbow and opened the younger man's robe all the way so that his golden torso was bare and his body was spread before him. He began to work his hand up and down on the Captain's heavy, nine-inch organ.

Kirk groaned in bliss. This was better than any fuck-fantasy he'd imagined. The man he'd wanted for months was finally in his bed with his hand wrapped around his cock. He was going to spill his seed for this beautiful man. He was going to cry his name at the peak of his ecstasy...

And suddenly it was happening.  
"Leonard! Oh yes! Bones! YES!"

Semen erupted from his penis and splattered across his chest and stomach in three thick, white ropes. McCoy stroked him rapidly until his orgasm passed its crest. The Doctor's hand slowed until it was gently touching him and finally it stopped.

Kirk shuddered and opened his eyes to see the older man looking down at the cum webbing his fingers. He looked like he was in shock. Gently, Kirk sat up and used his robe to clean the ejaculate from the older man's hand.

"Jim..." McCoy said weakly.  
"Hush, Bones," Kirk soothed. "This will take some getting used too. Now you're about worn out. Lie down. Let's get some sleep."

He coaxed the Doctor to turn the right way on the bed and moved down to pull off his boots. When he moved back up to lay down beside him, he found McCoy's piercing blue eyes looking at him with such incredible intensity.

"Jim, what you said, about me being important to you...It was true, wasn't it?"  
Kirk's face was very soft.  
"You are the most important person in my life."  
"For now," the Doctor said quietly.

The Captain furrowed his golden brows.  
"What do you mean?"  
"You have a well-earned reputation as a luv-'em-and-leave-'em man." McCoy answered solemnly.  
"I'm not going to deny that," Kirk said evenly. "But that reputation was earned with women. I told you, I like them. I enjoy having casual sex with them and they're fun to be with, but I've never loved one."

"And what about me? You said you loved me."  
"I do Bones, deeply and truly. There's nothing casual about it."  
"You could really hurt me, Jim."  
"But I won't."  
"Promise?"  
"On everything I hold dear. Now sleep."  
He leaned over and kissed McCoy's forehead and the older man closed his eyes trustingly.


End file.
